Adolescence Flashes Back

February 16, 2011 § 4 Comments

Travel Diary – February 15, 2011

How does she know exactly what to say to make everything worse. To make the walls crumble. To make my soul crack.

She means well, she is trying to help. To console her sobbing daughter from across the great blue ocean. To come up with an idea – any idea to ease the pain, stop the tears, solve the problem.

Yet with one suggestion, one sentence, almost one word…my heart breaks.

It’s a mother’s duty, a gift we wish we could take back.

But it makes us tough, right? Adds to our armor, our tools to withstand the not always pleasant world.

Just because you grow up – just because you move to a new continent – even when there are oceans and nautical miles between you – somehow – some way – adolescence flashes back.

The fights, the misunderstandings, the trying to help, yet making it worse.

Another gift so deeply embedded – unconditional love and forgiveness. Because at the end of the day there is no one else I’d rather call. No one else whose words soothe me… 99.9% of the time.

_______

Posted with permission.

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The Un-posted

February 10, 2011 § 6 Comments

So many of my feelings are typed out right here. Posted for the world to read.

My ups and downs. My tears and my elation.

But there is a lot that goes un-posted.

It’s not un-documented. I still write. You just can’t read it yet. You’ll have to wait for the book… or the movie.

Me - Circa 1900

[source]

These are the posts that I should probably get consent from involved parties in order to share.

When the book deal comes along I know consent will be give… or forced.

But I do have some un-posted post conclusions.

This time back as been easier… and harder.

I feel more at home. I feel more like this is my place… for right now.

I am forever grateful for the stars that aligned and the Universe that smiled and the chance meeting in La Alberca. I wouldn’t change a thing.

But I feel more confident than ever that home in the states is where I want to be. I want my family and friends close, I want my job and career.

If this adventure had started 4 years ago that might be different. But here we are. Today.

It has taken me a while to reconcile this. To not judge myself for wanting those things. I am not not wrong for wanting my family close and for wanting to ultimately live in the States. I shouldn’t feel bad or guilty.

I am not a failure.

One thing this journey is teaching me is self-acceptance. To be okay with who I am. To be okay with how I feel. No one else’s journey is like mine, and I shouldn’t compare mine to anyone else.

Easier said than done.

I know I am blessed beyond measure and I try every day to live with gratitude. Some days are easier than others.

I am working on accepting the present. And the me who is living in it.

But don’t worry, you will get to read the down and dirty sometime. If you get anxious, send a literary agent my way.

out of nowhere

February 4, 2011 § 4 Comments

Travel Diary – February 3, 2011

Even after the best days.

After lunch with a friend.

After birthday present shopping.

A relaxing evening at home.

As I crawl into bed.

Book in hand.

A tear.

Then two.

I miss my family.

I miss my mom.

This will pass, I will see her soon.

Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.

_____________________________________________

A note on my Diary Posts:

Sometimes I write just to clear my head. Sometimes I write just to document the journey. To document my feelings along the way.

Sometimes I write to feel heard. Living in a new country with “in progress” communication skills I often don’t feel like I have a voice… yet.

It’s nice to know I can write and really be heard across the world. Thank you for reading, thank you for listening.

A gift from a friend...

opened to the most appropriate page...

is sometimes all you need.

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